The only one

Three posts in a row. are you surprised? well I'm not gonna type for you. i'm typing for me. for me. is anything out there for me anymore? everyone's so selfish, everyone's out there; each to their own. Well, i'm sick of it. I'm sick f you. I'm sick of school. I'm sick of erveything. Why don't you all just piss off to somewhere else and leave me alone. but then i don't want to be alone. Lone soldier. no. Well it seems you're making me the lone soldier. can i fight the war alone? i need you here, but you're just gonna hop up and leave? how can you do this. this is what i mean by selfish, ya mother.. can i ask, do you have a conscience? do you feel anything? or are you as numb as i am? you. are you numb. numb with cold. with fear. with resentment. with anything other than happiness. happiness? is there ever pure happiness? have i ever felt that? i miss it, though i've never known it. i hope to meet it one day. and say screw you, to it's face. i'd say something like, why the f weren't you ever with me before? why have you always favoured others? why don't you get f ed. I know some other people i'd like to say 'screw you' to, but can i? no. that's breaching the rules. rules. everywhere. hah, get f ed, rules. ooo, there's talking. ok, maybe not. no, no voices in my head, it's just not talking. it's indescribable. stubborn person + stubborn person? what do you get? a couple of stubborn people, duhh. yeah, but what else do you get. what? what DO you get? i don't know, so i'll repeat the question, just so it can sink in. what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? what do you get if you add a stubborn person and a stubborn person? enough. I highly doubt anyone will be reading up to this far. i wouldn't read this, even though i wrote it. slap slap. well, that's what it sounded like. what? what just sounded like that? who knows. not me. not you. the person getting f ed over would, though. lucky it ain't me. lucky? are you lucky that you're not getting f ed over? would you rather wallow around as you do than get f ed over? I miss it. not the happiness i've never met, but i miss those days. those days when it was plain . it was so... and . nothing major, nothing scary, nothing life changing. i liked that. i like that. it will one day come back to that. yes. strive for that. but is aiming high the best thing? how about aim low and you won't be disappointed. i hate disappointment. hate disappointment? but in HATING it, well, you have a problem. disappointment is inevitable. so why make it life changing. like uni selections. i'll aim for tafe or something and i'll get there. if i aimed for melbourne uni i'd probably miss it and hit some college institute in the middle of the bush. do you see my logic? well my logic is impeccable. angry? no. i'm not angry. "kimo, you know i've never seen you angry. i've seen you cry, but never angry" with that, can you tell when i'm fake? fake laugh. fake smile. fake looks. i'm a f in all rounder in that department. can you tell. can you really tell. can you tell what i'm thinking. can i mask it. or is it obvious. can you read me like a book, or read me like a brick wall? can you? can you not? these questions matter to me. how about, how am i being judged? being judged is nothing new. anyone, anywhere, anytime. judge judge judge. that's all the world does. can you see that? that girl's in a mini- must be a slut. that guy's got black hair and piercings- must listen to metal. that man's in a suit- must be rich. that woman's fat- must be a pig. that kid's crying- must have bad parents. that man's unshaven- must be a druggie. that girl's wearing a slipknot t-shirt- must be suicidal. how about on another level. that person got 83% on her test- must have been lazy. that person's applying make up- must have low self esteem. that person's getting out of a Merc- must have everything. that person's wearing the coolest clothes- must abide by cosmo. well. if all goes like this, as it mostly does, then we have a problem. yes, i know, i'm guilty of some of these thoughts. i'm not denying it in the least, but what are people thinking about me? How do i reflect on others, if at all? How are others reflected on me? is it all bad? is it all bad. is anything really all that bad? can everything in the world be solved? well this judging dilemma we've discussed is a world wide epidemic. and it's in everyone. it's in everyone. that's undeniable. everyone's guilty of it and it can't be stopped. it's one of the worst human traits. It's not even generical. it pops up whenever it feels. it can hurt more than physical violence. actually, that's probably what causes anorexia, bulimia and all that, as well as suicides, drug use and alcoholism. are you proud. can you tell it's harsh. can you see some people actually process what people say about them. about those close to them. about strangers. oh. really? you want out? but you're here. now. why. why you want it. you're gonna cry. i hate you. wow. i just said that. i can't believe i said that. it's unbelievable. you just said you hate your mother. that's not healthy. geez. fuck off. yes, mother. fuck off. i'd say it to you personally, but if you're reading this as you would if you could read, you'd've already realised what i just said. fuck off. prance. harder. prance around. i command you. you love it. you love gloating about it. you just love it. f us all over. and once you're done, what are you gonna do? yeah. huh. what was that? louder. LOUDER. I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOU'RE FUCKIN FEELINGS. FUCK YOU AND YOUR "I'M SO HURT" BULLSHIT. YOU'RE HURT?!! THAT'S MORE SELF CENTRED THAN I CAN EVEN THINK OF!! YOU'RE THE CENTRE OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE SHOULD OBEY YOU. EYAH, THAT'S HOW IT IS THEN? YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE SO FUCKIN HURT, THEN WHY? WHY DO YOU DO IT? WHY HAVE YOU DONE IT? WHY DID YOU DO IT? YOU FUCK US ALL OVER AND LEAVE US WITH WHAT? AND IN ALL OF THIS, YOU DON'T EVEN TRY AND REFRAIN FROM FUCKING ME OVER WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. GO AHEAD, IT'S A FREE SHOT. OH, SO YOU DON'T MIND THAT, BUT WHEN I DO, IT'S THE FUCKIN END OF THE WORLD. IF THAT'S HOW IT'S GONNA BE, THAN SO BE IT. MAYBE I'LL BE WALKING HIS FUCKING PATH TOO. MAYBE WITH HIM. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT. IT FUCKIN SEEMS LIKE IT. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LECTURING ME, WHEN IT'S HIM AT FAULT? WHY?!! WHY? why. i'M SO SICK OF THIS FUCKIN FAMILY AND I CAN'T TAKE YOU PEOPLE ANY MORE. IF HE'S GOING, HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE I DO? ARE YOU GONNA DO THE SAME WITH ME AS YOU DID WITH HIM? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL. AND TO YOU, THE READER, IF ANY, IT'S NOT ONLY MY MOTHER I'M TALKING ABOUT. IT'S MY DAD. IT'S MY RELATIVES. IT'S EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKIN WORLD. "YOU KNOW THE MOMENT YOU STEP OUT OF THIS HOUSE, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE ANYMORE". FUCK YOU. FUCK THE LOTTA YA. HATE. HATE IS A STRONG WORD. AND HERE IT IS IN ITS GREATEST CONTEXT: I HATE THIS WORLD.

so how are you?